New Zionist : News and Discussion on the Future of Zionism, Israel, and the Jewish People

Israel is a country with amazing potential. For a country not even sixty years old, there have been some amazing advancements in human capital, demographic absorption, globalization, and economic development. But there are still some lingering idiosyncrasies that need to be addresses. Here is a brief list of ten possible solutions, feel free to add your own!

1. Every Israeli needs to spend three months driving the suburbs of Sioux Falls (voted the city with the safest drivers), in a Toyota Sienna so they can learn how to drive like civilized human beings; watching out for kids on bikes, not parking illegally on the sidewalks, using turn signals, and generally obeying universally accepted rules of good motoring.

2. Every Israeli male needs to spend two months working in the Menswear department of Harrod’s in London so they can finally start to get some idea of what is and is not appropriate work wear. I don’t want the teller at my bank in white Crocs, orange Carpris and a green sleeveless T-shirt. I don’t care what people wear outside of work, and I’m not saying that everybody should be in pin-stripe suits, but how do you expect to be taken seriously as a high-tech mogul if you take meetings with Japanese VC’s in tapered jeans?

2.5 Side note for the women of Israel regarding fashion. Wedding dresses should not involve any type of see-through material, not in the sleeve, not in the collar, and never ever in the bodice.

3. Speaking of Japan, I think every single Israeli above the age of 16 needs to spend at least 4 months working as a barista in one of the Starbucks in Tokyo. Japanese culture puts a heavy emphasis on service, modesty, and courtesy, three things that are desperately absent in Israeli culture. 4 months in Japan will give Israelis a first hand experience of seeing what a wonderful world it can be when people wait in line, don’t scream at each other, have some sense of spatial intelligence in public settings, and are generally more patient and polite

4. Every Israeli should spend three months as a Park Ranger in Yosemite. Three months of picking up other people’s garbage in one of the most stunning national landscapes in the world will hopefully make Israeli’s appreciate their environment more. The Israeli countryside is stunning and diverse, yet also very fragile, and very poorly managed. I can’t even begin to count the amount of times I’ve seen Israeli’s on holiday drive their Hyundai Getz through the bushes so they can park illegally on the shores of the Kinneret, set up propane tanks for their grill, pitch up their tents in designated wildlife areas, and uproot the surrounding trees for their fire, only to leave behind an obscene amount of trash.

5. Speaking of trash, every single Israeli needs to start respecting urban areas as well. Therefore, all Israelis over the age of 18 should spend a full month working for the Calgary Light Rail Transit Platform Cleaning Crew. Calgary was recently voted the world’s cleanest city, with an excellent standard for recycling, waste reduction, and sanitation. It is a daily event in Tel Aviv to see residents drop their refuse on the floor as they stroll the streets. It is even sadder to see them doing this while sitting on a bench directly next to a trash can.

6. Every Israeli should spend a full year (or more) working for a major governmental body in Norway, specifically in education, healthcare, or some other form of social services. Maybe then Israelis will start to realize that there can be a balance between the private capital world and the public social world.

7. Israelis teens before their army service, both male and female, should spend 2 weeks working as a Shampooer/Assistant at the John Barrett salon in Manhattan. This will serve to fix two major issues. First, with the men, the painfully excessive use of her gel needs to stop. Contrary to the belief of many a teenage male in Eilat, there is no correlation between the stiffness of the spikes on your head and the ability to attract women. Second, for the women, a bleached blond spiked pixie cut is never attractive on a female, let alone on one over the age of 50.

8. Each Israeli should spend a month or two interning at the NAACP. Israel is a country that suffers from many lingering racial undertones, and maybe a short stint with the NAACP will ease some of the tension.

9. Every Haredi Israeli should spend a few Passover meals with a Refrom Jewish family from the NorthWest, like Portland. For that matter every secular Israeli should spend a Shabbat or two with an ultra orthodox family in Brooklyn. Clearly the two extremes of the religious spectrum will never agree politically or religiously, but at the very least maybe they will stop insulting each other.

10. And lastly, regarding sports, any Israeli who wants to try to get in shape is best advised to spend a month working out at one of the gyms in any of the Pac-10 schools. Unlike the Western World, the culture of physical fitness is fairly new to the Middle East, including Israel. Therefore, Israelis approach working out with a sort of fetishism. It is not uncommon to see Israelis decked out in the most expensive work-out attire with makeup on, standing on the first step of an idle Stairmaster talking on their cell about how hard they are working out (and then having a cigarette when they leave the gym). Maybe a month in one of the plush USC sports facilities will offer some good motivation.

(Ramadan Kareem and Gmar Hatima Tova to our readers as well)